a Prague beer spa

Beer time!

 There are few better ways to spend a Valentine’s Day than soaking in an oak tub of tepid barley malt, drinking bottomless beers from a private tap, and staring in the face and other places of your dearest loved one. Then, after the bath, a literal romp in the hay – there’s a hay bed in the opposite corner. The smell is great, recounting one of simpler days of farms, pitchforks, and 12 babies needed to beat the high infant mortality rates and constant pillaging by the folks of the neighboring barony. It’s a growing fad in Prague, the beer spas not pillaging that is – completely alien to most Czechs as soaking in a tub of a beer-like mixture doesn’t happen to be one of the parts of their ancient hop boiling culture. However, it’s certainly something that should catch on. 

There are three or four different beer spas in Prague. When I first learned of a beer spa, I imagined it as though you would soak in a tub of near boiling beer, in a position where you could nearly and actually drink your own bathwater, while also downing the cold stuff out of a tap. So when we arrived at the Spa Beerland on Zitna street, this was the impression that I had had. I was also under the impression that the price of the spa might also include that blond in the picture with the huge tracts of land, but – unfortunately for all you English blokes reading this blog and trying to figure out ideas for your next stag party – it doesn’t.

The entry has a huge wall of souvenirs and a self service tap in the middle of the room. If you’re a bit early for your appointment, or they need a few minutes to prep your room, then you are free to grab a glass and start your guzzling. Then the lady will show you down the stairs into the dungeon of some hotel, where they have two rooms situated for the most ingenious of all spa visits. Room one, which we took, had the hay bed and two tubs for two people each, with each tub having its own tap. The slightly more expensive room 2 had three tubs, a sauna, and a hay bed. Certainly on my next visit, that might have to be the choice.

Now, I was a bit surprised when the lady picked up different baskets of powders – barley, malt, and hops powder. “Smell this,” she said on each one, explaining what they were. Then she put them into the tubs that were filled with steaming water and stirred. What? We weren’t going to be soaking in beer?! And then she went on about how all this stuff softens your skin or some other not interesting BS that’s dished out for the ladies. It’s really a great marketing technique – men don’t really have to be convinced to go to a beer spa, but they might have to convince their ladies. “It has magical properties that soften your skin!” 

Pouring some to-go glasses

She left. We had our own private bathroom, so using the restroom after disrobing wasn’t a problem. Also they left some “beer bread”, which was probably just made from the same stuff normal bread is made from, barley and wheat. It was good bread, especially after drinking twenty or so liters of beer. Then we got in the tub and soaked it all in, having this all-you-can-drink contest for the next one hour. The place cost about 1,150 crowns a person and I’m pretty sure I cleared at least half of that in my consumption. Then we had a romp in the hay and a bite of beer bread. When our time was up, we had seven minutes to get dressed and get out, which allowed us time to fill up another glass. And since when we got back to the lobby, we hadn't time to empty our glasses, we sat down to finish them. Naturally, I finished them faster than the old lady, so I refilled my glass again without a problem.

It was almost the perfect Valentine’s Day, and there will be definitely a repeat visit the next time we have special guests in town.

We returned home and remembered we were entertaining guests from out of town - a whole family of them. Time to pretend not to be drunk! But at least we had soft skin.